This Friday will mark 1 year since the worst day of my life (so far), the day I lost my big brother. He was also the third personal loss in frame of about a year, and while all 3 were certainly close to me, he was the closest.
New Features Unlocked One thing I didn’t quite expect was the emotional fallout; while what’s done is done and life goes on, I still get triggered by the smallest, most insignificant things; seeing something on the web or on TV and wanting to share it with my brother. Working on cleaning up the yard for a party that he used to be so anal about (and we hilariously fought over), and not hearing the “demands” and “you’re doing it wrongs” lol. Hearing a weird song I think he’d like, and hey let me just…oh…yeah. Going to hamfests are certainly lonelier.
I can confirm something I shared from a Redditor in a previous post I made; they mentioned that loss tends to act like waves: at first there’s a big splash, and then the emotions come in waves afterwards, with each wave getting a little less intense. I feel that was a great description, although unfortunately the waves do keep coming and perhaps will never end, but things are a little easier to deal with over time. Good memories certainly help, and lots of funny moments to chuckle about.
One other “feature unlocked” I think was a good thing: fire. While I feel like I’m still dealing with a certain level of depression or “something”, I find that now if I want to do something, I’m just doing it, no hemming, hawing, thinking about it, etc, just GET ER DONE. Life is short, nothing is guaranteed, so strike while the fire is hot.
My brother woke up one night apparently had dozed off watching music vids on Youtube, and found this German Rapper “Sido” that he INSISTED I watch. While the one below isn’t the version I wanted to embed, this song, “Der Himmel Soll Warten”, or “Heaven Can Wait” represents what I mean. The song talks about all the things he wants to do, and Heaven will just “have to wait”. (And no I can’t speak a lick of German)
I’m shouting it to the sky, heaven will have to wait
’cause I’ve still got plans, heaven shall wait
When it is all over, take away my breath
But now I stay here, heaven will have to wait
There’s still a lot going on both personally and naturally with the country and world being in such turmoil, at this point I’m just keeping my nose to the grindstone and dealing with whatever comes my way. Volunteering, mentoring, and trying to have a little fun along the way keeps me above water for now.
MISSING YOU JOHN.